After seeing a former lover again after a nearly three year hiatus, we were enjoying each other’s company and asked him one question: Would we have actually gotten serious had we been in a different space? He looks at me and states of course; it would have been a natural flow of where it was going. I wonder had we been serious would it have led to marriage or at least something more tangible than just filling in the gaps.
We all have been in situations that are not always ideal or favorable when the chemistry collides. Where raw energy creates the effervescent moments of ecstasy and the taste of skin is favored over common sense. And as I continued to listen to his words, I realized that the choice was his decision to make. He choose to move forward with a woman that he had history with and more importantly, she was the mother of his child. I get it. He feared of losing this family unit; this ideal picturesque vision for his child, even if it wasn’t picturesque for him. He mentioned all the joy and excitement I brought when we were together; the laughter and happiness, the debates about hip hop and beats. He said my presence and energy always pleased him. Yet, he was still hesitant to experience me in a full capacity. I guess, in that time, I was his possibility of pleasure when he never needed to ask permission.
Why do we fear passion, pleasure or gratification? What makes us not cross into new territories of possibilities?
These questions that I ask myself over and over again.
Why does ecstasy seem forbidden when we are the ones holding it hostage?
This is just not for romantic encounters or intimate moments, but a moment when awakening is on the cusp and remaining dormant seems to be the obvious and safe choice. Yet for the sake of this piece, will keep in regards to intimacy. The fear of pleasure often has me wonder about my fellow sisters. The ones who have yet to experience release, inhibition and enjoyment. I wonder why we are so hesitant to give ourselves permission to experience pleasure. I am no sure of it unspoken social constructs (culture or religion) or if it is more so a lack of education and understanding of her own body?
Unfortunately, for many women, the idea of pleasure has never taken precedence over our duty to bare children. Sex, like many other things, became more so of a duty than actual enjoyment. In a time and space where women are choosing to make the best life for themselves (for some that excludes (mate, matrimony and marriage), we have come to experience pleasure in many ways. Yet, when it comes to the bedroom, I still encounter women who feel is rather auspicious to satisfy their lover, than to experience pleasure themselves.
How do we liberate ourselves from this?
1. Give yourself permission to enjoy pleasure. We don’t listen nor adhere to societal rules or respectability politics. As women, we have the right to enjoy, explore and experience passion and pleasure like anyone else.
2. Fantasize for the future. How many of us still day dream or fantasize about someone touching us, loving us, appreciating us, valuing are complete selves? I am one that is an advocate of creative visualization.
Try this exercise : It should be completed wearing some lingerie of course.
Breath in for eight seconds through you nose, mouth close. Breathe out for eight seconds through your nose, mouth close. This breathing should be continue throughout the entire exercise.
Imagine the the warmth of your lover’s breath, licking from your ear lobe to your collarbone. Hands the firmly yet carefully hold your waist allowing you to fit comfortable in his or her presence. Lips are interlocked like the last puzzle piece longing to be completed. The chemistry of both your energies mix and mingle with the fragrance of the room. Each release is another invitation for your lover to explore and inquire.
3. Learn and engage in self-love play. Many women may not have the best experienced with lovers because the lovers failed to satisfy these women. Our partner’s are not psychic, telepathic or mind readers. But if you don’t know yourself...Find out what makes you sigh, quiver, and squeal with delight. Once you find out…
4. Educate your partner. Now don’t pull up a powerpoint presentation or a film before game day. However, treat your body like a treasure map and guide your partner to different treasures. Simultaneously, allow you lover to discover your hills, mounds, crevices and valleys.
5. Do not deny your yearning or desire. Simply Enjoy.
Remember, uncharted terrains may appear scary, but if you knew that is was filled with pleasure, what purpose does fear serve?
Your Conscious Courtesan